• Nayana Sen


Updated: Nov 10, 2020

Maybe you feel like someone is about to find out who you really are...what if that person is you?

You have undoubtedly heard the term impostor syndrome. It is where you feel like you’re a fake, and you hope no one notices. You feel like you somehow got lucky in your career or life situation, but you actually don’t have the experience to be in the position. Very often we fight invisible battles with the people living in our heads. The voices of people that have left scars on our bodies, and souls. There is a second part to feeling like an impostor, and it is the part that no one really talks about. What if you really are an impostor, and the reason you feel like a fake is because you are living the wrong life.

The most uncomfortable part of about growth is that you will get the opportunity to figure out who you really are. You will meet yourself.

People will tell you there is no such thing as living the wrong life, and that everything is a learning experience. There may be some truth to this, but the question is are you living in a state that is actually contrary to your actual nature? I have experienced moments where I woke up next to my spouse at the time in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The only thought that raced through my mind was this can’t be my life. I looked at him and thought this person can’t be all there is for me. I didn’t learn my lesson the first time, so the lesson presented itself again.

Truth is for me, the people I chose to be in relationships were not the right people. Those were not the right decisions, but I do not have any regrets about my decisions. I just accepted that I was too damaged to be loved by anyone great. I could blame my weight, my P.C.O.S symptoms, or a million other reasons. The real reason that I chose relationships that were just wrong for me was because I had no concept or capacity for self-love.

I didn’t know how to love myself, as that wasn’t something anyone ever taught me. I am not blaming anyone else for anything. I own my choices in life. I’m suggesting we go through life not knowing our own worth because no one ever taught us how to love ourselves. If you are lucky enough to have parents that taught you this skill, then consider yourself a modern-day miracle. Many of us, and our parents are lacking real love for ourselves in our lives.

I have experienced both impostor syndrome (and continue to fight this battle) and I have been an impostor in my own life. I believe if you are reading this, then perhaps you feel the same way. Maybe it will help to understand that developing self-love is a learnable skill. It starts with an unwavering commitment to live your best and most fulfilling life. This is not the same for any two people, even among those that are best friends or family. It is your journey, and you have to learn to be comfortable in your own identity.

There will be times you doubt yourself and your own sanity, but don't move backwards. Don't keep living the same life over and over if you feel you have outgrown it. If you feel like there has to be more or like you are living a fake life, you have a real obligation to yourself to change some things.

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